What Makes One Beautiful
Inspired by a project I saw in New York City
One year ago, I lost all of my friends. I weighed 103 pounds. I was mourning my father. I hated my life.
On January 2nd, 2025 I booked a flight to Costa Rica. I told myself “if this doesn’t work out, I don’t know what will.” I was prepared to let all of my past mistakes define me – I was prepared to take a shortcut out of life itself.
I spent the entire Spring semester waiting for the day I would board the flight which would take me away from all of my problems. Nobody had told me, no matter how far I run I would never be able to outrun myself.
During my flight, the only song I listened to was “Where You Are,” by the cast of Moana. The lyrics replayed through my mind more times than I can count, “You are your father’s daughter. Stubbornness and pride. Mind what he says, but remember – you may hear a voice inside. If that voice starts to whisper, to follow the farthest star, Moana, that voice inside is who you are.” I chose to follow the farthest star, I chose to follow my heart. My heart led me to Costa Rica. My heart led me back to myself.
As I reflect on the last year of my life, I am shocked by the obstacles I overcame, the love I shared with others, and the pure joy I now wake each day with. It felt like I had spent years “trying things on” to see what fit. I tried on a sorority, I tried partying, I tried philosophy, I tried my school’s Senate. I tried to paint, I tried to run. It felt like everything was a test and the only result was whether I enjoyed it or not.
I made it my duty to do something fun every day, no matter what that looked like. That’s an easy task when you are hundreds of miles away from your home in a world which feels like a dream. I ziplined across massive forests and felt fear, not at the height which I dangled from, but fear that there could be something so vast it would swallow me whole. The trees, which looked like dots from above, have been growing and placing their roots for hundreds of years so they could finally stand as tall as they do. I wondered what this meant for me, someone who proudly proclaims “I have no roots!” Was it time I started to grow them? If so, was Albuquerque the place to do it? I feared leaving my house for so long, running into people I used to know, having conversations I don’t want to have, and feeling like I don’t belong. The trees reminded me, in order to stand tall we must have something to stand on. I could feel gravity’s pull on me. I didn’t know it then, but my years of floating were over. It was time for me to be grounded once again.
Throughout my walk in the butterfly gardens, I felt peace. Butterflies landed on my shoulder and on my hand. I tried to stay stagnant, so they wouldn’t be scared and fly away. The butterflies reminded me to be mindful of where I am, what my time is spent doing, how I show up into the world. There is this rush which has permeated every aspect of our being – the need to finish this task so we can move onto the next. If you focus on the next part of the tour, the sloths, you completely miss out on the butterfly sitting in the palm of your hand. Both of these animals were incredible in their own ways, but being present in the moment is a skill; I never want to miss a beautiful moment.
I no longer rush through my day. I am present in every moment, with every person I meet. I recall my moments with the butterfly to remind me, this moment may appear slow, which may translate to boredom in our ever moving world. Slowness is necessary when the things around us change so suddenly. We must take a moment to understand what these moments mean for us, reflect on the feelings we had at the time. Without moving slowly, without boredom, we will never learn to create. We will always be consuming the art which someone else created in the time they let their mind wander.
My surf instructor was incredibly kind. I don’t think I ever managed to stand fully straight on the board, but he encouraged me nonetheless. While in the ocean, I felt the sun beaming on my neck. It was so warm in contrast to the cold water which surrounded me. The sun is always there. The sun is a constant even if I am changing.
I lost balance plenty of times. I drank salt water through my nose and my mouth. There was a time when I felt I would drown, although that may be my mind playing games with me. However, there were definitely times when I failed. Miserably.
When I ran track as a child, one of my coaches favorite mottos was “fall down seven times, stand up eight.” Every time I fell, I got back up. Eventually, I made it from our starting point in the sea to the shore and jumped off on my own accord. It was exhilarating, to finally feel free.
We need failure if we will ever succeed. Failure is what allows us to reassess, to see what didn’t work and build towards something which will. If I stood too far forward, I would lurch forward. If I stood up too fast, I would lose balance. It was a dance between me and my surfboard. We had to be partners for it to work. If we move too fast, we are like Icarus flying too close to the sun. We must make sure we are standing on solid footing before we take a step forward.
When you are riding a horse, it is not only yourself whose movements you must be aware of. Your direction is decided by a living creature who is triple your size. You must find a way to communicate with them despite none of the vowels being said. It is a quiet journey. Squeeze left to go left. Squeeze right to go right. A tiny kick to move forward. Language is not what connects us, the world is.
In language, my Spanish had the opportunity to improve beyond what I ever could have imagined for myself. I spoke to the people who lived there in broken Spanish, yes, but Spanish nonetheless. My mind amazed me and nothing encapsulates the joy I felt when I finally understood what people were saying or the meaning of the signs around me. I didn’t know my brain would be able to pick up on such things. I thought I was too old to learn a new language, I thought my brain had already been corrupted, decided for me. When we give our attention to something in English, we pay for it with our time. In Spanish, it is called “Prestar Attention,” the direct translation for prestar is rendered. You render someone with your attention, it is a service you are offering to give. Even the way I think about things, from time to energy, has shifted. If the language we use is how we see the world, we must be so careful with the words we choose to describe it. Instead of a “to do” list, I now create a list of “things I get to do.” It is not a chore to clean up my house, it is a gift that I have a roof over my head and my body has the ability to care for it as necessary. It is not that I have to get up and go for a run every day, that is something I get to do. I am privileged to have the time and energy to exercise my body. I am grateful to the movement I experience.
Costa Rica completely shifted the perspective I have of the world. “Tu es mi amiga y en mi corazón, un pasado no es importante.” My friend Albien said these words to me as we picked up ice cream one night. “You are my friend and in my heart, no matter your past.” The way we meet people matters more than the journey they took getting to the position in front of our eyes. Love is as love does, and to be loved is to be seen. When someone shows up for you, treats you with kindness, and remembers the little things, this matters so much more than the facts of their life which led them to you. Giving people grace, giving people the benefit of the doubt seems to be a skill lost. If we always think of ourselves first, it becomes more difficult to understand the place where somebody else is coming from. Being an individual is good. Being a part of the collective is good. We must learn how to become individuals supporting the collective – supporting something which is much bigger than any of us alone.
As I reflect on the last year of my life, I cannot help but cry for the girl who I was. She wanted to be given a chance, wanted someone to love her, and felt she needed someone to save her. I’ll never forget the day she was told, three months after the passing of her father, “You know, you’re really depressing the entire chapter. Do you think you could try being happy? I’m going to call your mom if this doesn’t get better.” I’ll never forget how she tried, how she gave when she had nothing. I’ll never forget how depleted and exhausted she was that she felt the need to shrink her material body until she was so small she would go unnoticed.
I’ll never forget how through all of this, and at the weakest point in her life, she still got up.
There may have been nobody who saved me but myself, but it would be egotistical to say it was possible without the love and support I received from my community. From the Continental Philosophy professor who wrote me eight paragraphs of hope, who told me not to drop the class but come next week and talk to him, to my grandmother, who came to my house and cleaned up for me when I couldn’t get out of bed. A friend, who’s family fed me when I couldn’t afford to eat. The cat, who reminded me that love doesn’t come with strings attached, it simply just is.
Costa Rica, the way you have taught me to see the world is a skill. There is always another perspective. There is always another way.
I am reflecting on this during a time of utter turmoil and discomfort, in my country and across the globe. There is so much hatred and ugliness perverting every aspect of what it means to be a human being and live a human life. Artificial Intelligence wants to replace the minds we have been gifted with, the phone means to replace the sun. War threatens to replace our shared humanity. I cannot help but wonder, who would we be if we just were? If we refused to allow external factors to disrupt our internal growth. We may not be able to change the world, but we can change the way we perceive it.
Running along the harbor in New York City when I came across a sign on a lightpost, I stopped. It was a project on What Makes One Beautiful, which ranged from “sitting straight” to “empathy out of suffering.” Among other things, it said “Realizing the world might change you before you change the world.” The world and her happenings will change us, it will threaten what we perceive as the status quo. It will rip us apart only to put us back together if we allow it, stronger this time.
The world is changing. The world is changing us. It is our choice which way we allow it to move. It is our choice whether the pressure upon us creates diamonds, or bursts pipes.